


15x18 coda: it's in the being

by contemplativepancakes



Series: Season 15 codas [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Dean Winchester Can't Cope, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:27:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27411958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/contemplativepancakes/pseuds/contemplativepancakes
Summary: Blood splatters from a severed neck, the body twitching before it collapses to the floor. It sprays across Dean’s face, dotting red droplets over his cheeks and in his hair. Dean keeps his mouth shut so he doesn’t get the taste of copper stuck in it; he already can’t get Cas’s face out of his mind.Dean knows this is the last place he should be, that with the world ending, it doesn’t really matter if there’s one less nest of vamps in the world, but if he stops moving, then he’ll… have to think.“I wondered what my true happiness could even look like, because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.”Fuck, they wasted so much time.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Season 15 codas [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1539418
Comments: 23
Kudos: 235





	15x18 coda: it's in the being

Blood splatters from a severed neck, the body twitching before it collapses to the floor. It sprays across Dean’s face, dotting red droplets over his cheeks and in his hair. Dean keeps his mouth shut so he doesn’t get the taste of copper stuck in it; he already can’t get Cas’s face out of his mind.

There’s a wounded sounding whine coming from somewhere as he dodges the vamps attacks that he realizes is coming from him. He whirls and slices his machete through another vamp’s neck, catching and jerking his arm as it cuts through the spinal cord

That’s fine, sharpening the blade will give him something to do after he’s killed them all. Dean knows this is the last place he should be, that with the world ending, it doesn’t really matter if there’s one less nest of vamps in the world, but if he stops moving, then he’ll… have to think. 

_ “I wondered what my true happiness could even look like, because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.” _

Fuck, they wasted so much time. 

Dean yanks at the vamp’s hair coming towards him, stopping her just short of his neck. He clocks her in the jaw before throwing her backwards and off of him, turning to another who’s advancing and snarling at him. 

_ “But I think...I think I know now. Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in the being, in the just saying it.” _

_ “What are you talking about, man?” Dean had asked, because he couldn’t dare to let himself believe that after so long this was how it was going to happen.  _

Call him a romantic, but Dean had imagined them somewhere on Baby’s hood, watching the stars, after Chuck was nothing but a distant thought. He’d turn to Cas and say it, ever so casually, and Cas would say it back without hesitation, like it had never been a question. 

And maybe, after all this time, it hadn’t been. 

A vamp jumps on top of him, knocking him down to the cold concrete, and he almost just lets it happen. What’s the point? Chuck is destroying the world, and Cas is gone. 

Dean thinks about Sam, about his cell phone weighing his pocket down with all its missed calls and kicks his knees up, dislodging the vamp and scrambling to his feet. 

_ “You are the most caring man on earth, the most selfless, the most loving human being I will ever know. _ ”

Obviously he wasn’t, or he wouldn’t have let the empty just take Cas while he stood there and watched helplessly. At the very least, he could have fucking said it back. And now Cas is never going to know. 

Dean slices viciously at another vamp, and fuck, just how many were in this nest? It’s not like he did any reconnaissance, he had just driven, and driven, until he had heard a scream coming out of a shady ass warehouse. Even out of his mind with grief, it just wasn’t in his nature to ignore a call for help. 

_ “You know, ever since we met, and ever since I pulled you out of hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.” _

Dean wishes he could have changed, wishes he could have been less of a piece of shit and turned into someone who could actually deserve Cas. He’s such a fucking asshole, and Cas had still been there, fucking crying as he told Dean all the things Dean had thought he’d never hear. 

_ “I love you,” he’d said, and then he’d smiled like Dean was worth all the pain, all the bullshit, the years of repression and denial.  _

Dean nicks the last vamp with the edge of his machete. The vamp hisses at him and backs up, circling him warily. Dean clenches his jaw. If his muscles get anymore tense, he might just shatter into a million piece, and honestly, that’d be okay. 

_ “Don’t do this, Cas,” Dean begged, as the blackness of the empty started to seep through the wall.  _

_ Dean turned to look at it, anything so that he wouldn’t have to look Cas in the eyes. He couldn’t say it, he refused for this to be the way the truth came out  _

_ “Cas,” Dean had said, the rest of the words stuck in his throat.  _

_ Cas put a hand on his shoulder. “Goodbye, Dean.” _

Dean cries out as there’s a sudden jab to his side, and warmth starts spreading over the skin. He lashes out with his machete, and the vamp’s head goes rolling. Dean looks down and sees red seeping through his jacket. 

Cas is gone, and Dean is alone. 

Dean takes a deep breath and presses his hand to his side. Blood drips through his fingers as he makes his way out to Baby, his machete hanging loosely to his side in its scabbard. He collapses into the driver’s seat, uncaring of how he’s staining the leather. It’ll come out, or it won’t. Dean’s not sure that he’ll be around to care. He doesn’t see how he’s going to muster all of the will he’s going to need to fight Chuck right now. 

He’s living in a deflated balloon, gasping for oxygen, but there’s none to be found without Cas. Dean’s turns over the motor with shaky fingers. He slowly shifts gears, easing Baby out onto the road as his mind whirls. His phone rings again. He gasps for breath before he answers. “‘Lo?”

“Dean? Dean! Holy shit, Dean, what are you doing?”

Dean doesn’t know. “Sam, it’s… it’s Cas,” he chokes out. 

Dean knows he should be stronger right now, that he needs to be there for Sam, because, hell, he just lost Eileen, but Dean can’t right now. He can’t be the brother that he’s supposed to be. He’s not strong enough for everyone to lean on while he crumbles. Fuck, what is he going to tell the kid? Jack’s going to be just as heartbroken as him, albeit in a different way. 

Dean pounds his fist against the steering wheel as silence crackles over the line. 

Finally, “Dean, I’m so sorry. What happened? Was it Chuck?”

Dean starts to answer, but his voice gets strangled as it tries to come out. He shakes his head, knowing Sam can’t see him. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Sam says softly. “Pull over, all right? I’ll come to you.”

Dean steers Baby to the shoulder of the road and feels a pang in his side. As he looks down to examine it more closely, he sees blood on his shoulder. Dean looks in the mirror to get a closer look, and it’s a handprint. Dean’s going to be sick. 

_ “I’ve got you,” Cas had said, and he did. He really did.  _

Dean buries his face in his hands and cries. 

**Author's Note:**

> oof, but it's canon, holy shit!
> 
> hope you enjoyed! consider feeding your friendly neighborhood writer with a kudos and/or comment (like, plz scream at me, i am dying right now) and feel free to come hang with me on [tumblr!](https://contemplativepancakes.tumblr.com/)


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